


be safe

by booksteaandcake



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: AU, Anxiety, Best Friends, Character Death, Depression, Feels, Friendship/Love, Funeral, Grief/Mourning, Kinda?, M/M, Muke - Freeform, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad, Shooting, Unrequited Love, Violence, but romance, except it's not exactly unrequited, not very romantic really, this might make you cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-14 13:06:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7172963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/booksteaandcake/pseuds/booksteaandcake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>luke tries to give the eulogy for his best friend's funeral, and remembers the one he loved the most who is now gone forever... michael.</p>
            </blockquote>





	be safe

**Author's Note:**

> this is really quite sad and also not very good, i wrote it in an hour though, and i can't sleep so excuse the mistakes. it's a serious subject, which i know i should probably have taken a bit more care for considering the heavy hitting topic (shootings) but idk,i just wanted to write this.
> 
> sorry.

“And now, we will hear from Michael’s friend, Luke Hemmings.” 

 

There was a long silence of strained breaths being held in, a few tears slid down cheeks as people sniffed, sobbing in their seats. It made Luke’s fingers and legs quake as he got to his feet. Nerves, because he didn’t want to go up there and speak in front of all of these people, and also anger, because the majority of people who were sat there crying like they were so emotionally scarred by this were people who barely known Michael at all. Luke hadn’t cried once since the day Mikey’s parents called from the hospital to tell him what had happened. He had only come home for a short nap and a shower, and Michael had to stop breathing while he wasn’t there. He hadn’t thought he would be able to stop at all, but the next day, no tears would come. The next day he just felt dead inside, unable to show any emotions whatsoever other than irritation and anger - that hadn’t subsided over the last eight days. As he walked up the short distance from his seat to the small speaking platform, he could feel the eyes of everybody on him. Expecting him to say something beautiful, something wonderful that would make their hearts soar, maybe then they would be able to accept the fact that Michael is gone. 

 

The first thing he wants to say when he is up there is how he isn’t just Michael’s ‘best friend’ - they were so much more than that. Except… when Michael died, they didn't even know what exactly they were; because they weren’t talking about it. They were ignoring the mess of their minds, it was too complicated and just left them in knots twisted so tight that it was painful. Because everything had gotten too much, they couldn’t work through their friendship with everything going on, their hearts were too twisted together, wrenched uncomfortably in all of the wrong directions. 

  
  
  


“Do you want to talk about it _?” Michael asked, tilting his head to look sideways at Luke. They were lying next to one another on the bed, both naked, both confused by the events of the previous night. They still had the lingering taste of alcohol and  _ each other  _ on their lips and there was a strange space between them. It felt like it shouldn’t be there, like they should be close, holding each other, but that would have felt weird as well.  _

 

“ _ No _ ,”  _ Luke said, voice cracking a little, “I don’t think so.”  _

 

_ “Okay.”  _

 

_ So they didn’t talk about it. Luke made some lame excuse about his mum texting him to say he had to go home, even though his phone definitely hadn’t received any messages, and he dressed quickly before leaving. As he walked down the road, he contemplated everything. He didn’t feel any different, losing his virginity didn’t make him feel like a  _ ‘new man’  _ or anything, he just felt tired and slightly hung over. He didn’t regret it, not at all. Something in him told him that Mikey  _ did  _ regret it, on the other hand. It was a mistake, they shouldn’t have done it. They weren’t even  _ gay _ , right? Sighing, he continued on his walk, doing his best to think of something different. When they saw each other at school the next day, they didn’t mention the incident at all.  _

  
  


Luke unfolded the crumpled piece of paper on which he had written his eulogy words on. He took a deep breath. He scanned the faces of the guests, eyes lingering for slightly longer on Michael’s parents, who both looked tired and lost. Not the same. That wasn’t the mother who had constantly plagued Luke and Michael with cookies and snacks whilst they played video games, the dad who would always joke around with them, teasing Michael in front of Luke to embarrass his son. 

 

“Hi.” He said, feeling stupid the moment he said it, his voice trembled. “...I’m Luke. Michael’s friend.” 

 

He was met with complete silence, of course, and that just made him all the more aware of how loud his breaths were. His throat was dry, he licked his lips and gulped, hoping to make the scratching discomfort tickling his throat go away, but no such luck. 

 

“ _ Was _ his friend, I mean.” He added, which was just a stupid thing to say really. 

 

He studied the faces again, but then he quickly stared down, back to the paper. 

 

“Michael was a great guy, and a great friend.” He started, hating how scripted and monotone it all sounded. “We… we did lots of….” 

 

Frowning, he wondered why he had written all of this shit. It was terrible, not at all good enough. How could  _ this  _ possibly do Michael any justice? 

 

“...Luke?” The priest asked, he stood to the side slightly, looking anxious. “Are you…?”

 

“I’m fine, Father, thank you.” Luke assured the elderly man, even though he definitely wasn’t fine. 

 

“Michael was good at… games.” He decided to freestyle, because what he had written was awful, but that wasn’t any good either, what was just splurging out of his mind and his mouth sounded terrible. “He always beat me, and if he didn’t, he’d fart on my pillow or something.”

 

He smiled slightly at that, and Michael’s parents laughed ever so quietly, a fond noise of appreciation. That made him feel slightly better. 

 

“But what Michael is best at -  _ was,  _ sorry, best at… was playing music. I will never be able to understand how he taught himself all that guitar, and how he played it so well. I was so jealous, I tried to learn, but I was never as good. I probably never will be again… if I can pick up a guitar again. We… he tried to teach m-me-” 

 

He breaks off. 

 

_ “Just put your finger on that string,” Michael said, sounding slightly frustrated but not a moody frustrated. They were almost back to normal now, after  _ that  _ incident a few weeks ago, and it was like it never even happened. Kind of. Luke was definitely tempted to lean forward and close the small space between them, to kiss him. He didn’t, though.  _

 

_ “‘I am!”  _

 

_ “Okay, and then your index one goes here…” _

 

_ Luke positioned it where he was certain that his friend directed him, but Michael just rolled his eyes.  _

 

_ “Not like that!” _

 

_ “How then?!” Luke retorted.  _

 

_ “Like this.” Michael said irritably, still smiling of course, and he didn’t hesitate at all. He placed his hand briefly across Luke’s, guiding his finger to be placed correctly. It sent a shock of electricity through Luke’s veins, making all the blood flush to his face so his cheeks blushed a bright pink. It was as if Michael felt it, he recoiled slightly, eyes widened.  _

 

_ “Sorry, I-” he started to say, but he didn’t get anything else out because Luke did exactly what he had been wanting to do. He kissed him.  _

 

_ Michael froze. They weren’t drunk this time. They had sober thoughts to remind them of what they were doing, asking  _ do you really want to do  _ this? He didn’t move into the kiss as much as Luke was, and he didn’t lift his hands or anything… he didn’t stop it, either, though. Surprisingly, Luke was the one who pulled away eventually.  _

 

_ “Why did you do that?” Michael asked, speaking slowly.  _

 

_ Luke blushed even more. “Why do you think? Because I wanted to.”  _

 

_ “I…” Michael murmured, and then Luke thought maybe they would kiss again and his heart started to race in anticipation, he purposely licked his lips because Michael’s beautiful green eyes were fixed on them.  _

 

_ “I don’t think I can teach you guitar.” Michael said, and it sounded like he was nervous. “I’m not good enough.”  _

 

_ “I think you are perfect.” Luke said shyly, but meaning it with all of his heart.  _

 

_ They stared at each other for a short while, though it felt like it lasted forever. Luke could completely lose himself in the sea green oceans of Mikey’s eyes, he loved them. He wanted to kiss him and he wanted to sleep with him again and he wanted to run his hands through his beautiful dyed red hair. Beautiful beautiful beautiful.  _

 

_ “I have to go.” Michael said, and he got to his feet and left without another word.  _

  
  


_ Later on that night, Luke was lying curled up on his side in bed, texting Michael. He felt nervous even through the screen.  _

 

_ I’m sorry for kissing you.  _

 

_ Michael replied not long after: don’t be sorry.  _

 

_ I’m sorry for walking out.  _

 

_ Luke: Are you angry at me?  _

 

_ Michael: No. Never.  _

 

_ Luke: Do you want to kiss again?  _

 

_ Michael: Yes.  _

 

_ Luke: When?  _

 

_ Michael: We can’t, though.  _

 

_ Luke: ...Okay. _

  
  
  


“He tried to teach me, but it didn’t go very well.” Luke said with a forced smile, that felt bitter and poisonous. “I’m not a great student.” 

 

“Michael was the kindest person I will ever know, even if he hid it well with his wretched sarcasm and his forced punk-rock persona.” 

 

Again, his parents smiled. Those who kind of knew him smiled, and Luke smiled. All of the fake people, all of the ones who teased him behind his back just cried harder and a few made out like Luke was being very disrespectful indeed. Like they knew Michael. 

 

“What happened to him… was a tragedy. I will never be able to forgive whoever killed him. But I know Michael would want me to because- because he always wanted the best for me. And he wouldn’t want for me to live with weight of the hatred. And I know it goes against the will of God, Father, to say you won’t forgive but... yeah. Maybe I will forgive, because like I said, Michael always wants- wanted me to do what was the best thing to do, he never wanted me to be sad or angry…” he stopped talking again, feeling like an idiot. He should have followed the scripted eulogy because now he is doing the mumbling thing where he just repeats the same thing over and over and talks in a way that makes everybody feel lost. 

 

“That’s one of the things that was great about Michael. He was selfish with things like pizza and the gaming controls, but when it came down to it… he put my happiness and everyone else’s before his own.” 

 

_ “Why don’t you want to be with me? Or… kiss me again?” Luke asked nervously, feeling lame and pathetic but he had to ask because otherwise it would continuously plague at him, the never knowing. “I… I thought you felt the same.” _

 

_ “I do.” Michael told him gently, and even though Luke wasn’t looking at him he thought that he was crying.  _

 

_ “Then why-” _

 

_ “Because you don’t deserve to be with somebody like me.”  _

 

_ “What do you mean  _ ‘somebody like you’ _?” Luke asked, frowning a little.  _

 

_ Michael hesitated, and he wanted to move closer, he didn’t want there to be that space between them that was always just  _ there  _ inconveniently. As Luke processed what he was saying, that they would never be together, a few tears slipped down his cheeks and it looked like Michael wanted to wipe them away, and to kiss Luke, to cuddle him and make him feel better. He didn’t though, he just opened and closed his mouth as he waited for the right words to fall from his tongue.  _

 

_ “I’m not reliable enough. I’m… I’m not a good person.” _

 

_ “You’re the best person I know!” Luke argued, not even caring, not even feeling embarrassed of the tears.  _

 

_ “You don’t deserve to be with me, Luke, because-” _

 

_ “What!?” Luke demanded, frustrated and hurt. He didn’t want Mikey to just be making a load of lame excuses to cover up that he just didn’t want Luke like that.  _

 

_ “I’m… I’m too… I might not even be here next year.” _

 

_ “What’s that supposed to mean? Where are you going?” _

 

_ “No, I’m not saying it right.” Michael said sadly, eyes falling to the ground, he was embarrassed. “I’m “ _ emotionally unstable”  _ as it is, and I… if I relapse, I will do something stupid. If I.. If I kill myself, I don’t want to leave you with the burden of losing your boyfriend.”  _

 

_ “First, don’t even say things like that!” Luke said, sounding slightly shocked. “But second, if we’re just  _ best  _ friends, I will have lost you still. You’re just trying to pretend the real truth isn’t that you’re embarrassed of me.” _

 

_ Hearing those last words leave the younger boy’s mouth seemed to pain Michael the most, he winced slightly. He stopped hesitating and moved closer, carefully placing his arm over Luke’s shoulder.  _

 

_ “I’m not embarrassed of you. It’s just that I always end up hurting the ones who I love the most. I love you the most, Luke, and that’s why I can’t be with you. I won’t risk hurting you.” _

 

_ “You’ll hurt me even if we aren’t dating and it happens. You’re hurting me  _ now _!” Luke cried, but Michael just closed his eyes, shaking his head.  _

 

_ Both of them wanted to kiss the other, so so badly. And Luke didn’t exactly understand, but even though he was frustrated he didn’t say anything more. He allowed himself to be held, but then Michael left him. Again.  _

 

“Michael was really sad, a lot of the time. He hit rough points.” Luke said, voice surprisingly clear given the emotions he had held off for the past nine days were building up incredibly dangerously now, like a teetering tower. “I tried my best to help him through them, but he always felt like a burden. It makes me sad that he never really appreciated how loved he was, and he never really appreciated how bright he shines in this world. He will always shine in this world. It’s just…”

 

He took a small break as one tear threatened to break through the safety barriers Luke had managed to make over his eyes, but luckily it didn’t fall. He didn’t want to break down in front of all of these people. 

 

“On the day that he was killed, Michael seemed so happy. He had a new medication and a new positive outlook on his life. For the first time in forever, he  _ wasn’t  _ suicidal. He wanted to be alive.” 

  
  


_ They were in the cinema, watching some lame comedy. Luke really wanted to hold Michael’s hand in the darkness as they laughed at all of the crappy, rude jokes together, but he didn’t. He just kept them folded into his lap.  _

_ When they heard the first shout, at first they both seemed to think it was in the film, because they jumped but kept their eyes on the screen, but then people started to shout more and more and they got up. The lights came on, dim lights that barely worked at all to brighten up the room. There were two men, and it would have been easy for anyone in that screening room to tackle them down - if they weren’t both holding guns. They were yelling stuff but Luke didn’t really understand, because he was frozen on the spot. He could feel a panic attack coming on, and Michael knew it. The older boy gently, discreetly, put a hand on Luke’s shoulder and pushed him down to the floor. The two men hadn’t looked in their direction yet, so maybe they wouldn’t know they were there if they hid on the floor. It was a good idea. _

 

_ But Michael didn’t stay there.  _

 

_ “I love you, Luke.” He said, “Be safe. I’ll keep you safe.” and then he was gone. _

 

Luke froze. He hadn’t realised what exactly Michael had said before disappearing. He was aware of his mum coming up to get him, but nothing else. He was panicking again, and people were getting up anxiously, saying things. He couldn’t hear  _ them  _ though, all he could hear were the screams of young kids who had snuck in somehow despite the age rating on the film, and the shouting.

 

_ Doing his best to stay concealed down on the ground, Luke crawled around the edge of the seat at the end of the row, sneaking a look. He felt his heart pulse even more hard, it felt painful, and sore, like he was having a heart attack. He could barely breathe. Michael stood between one of the men with gun and a group of teenagers who shouldn’t have even been allowed in to see the film. The other man with the gun was occupied on the other side of the room, yelling at everyone on one side to get down. Luke couldn’t hear what Michael was saying over the sounds of complete, chaotic fear, but it was obvious what was happening. Michael would give his own life before he let anyone get hurt.  _

 

_ And that was what had happened. The moment the gun fired Luke should have covered his eyes, but he kept watching. He wanted to get up right away, run over there, but he was paralysed with terror. One bullet went clean through Michael’s chest, and another one fired through the air but missed. Even so, Mikey collapsed to the ground. The gunman was about to shoot the kids but then his companion yelled at him, and he yanked them all to the other side of the room to join their hostages. Luke didn’t know what they were there for, but they hadn’t seen him. He was the only one who hadn’t been seen. He took advantage of that. He managed to get his phone out of his pocket, not wanting to risk talking, he texted his mum and told her to call the police and send them to the cinema. He had to find a way to get to Michael without being caught. He was the only one who had been hurt so far. Luke was breathing loudly, trying his best to muffle it though, with his hand clapped to his mouth.  _

 

_ He hadn’t even needed to text his mum, because a moment later police burst into the room, they didn’t see Michael, they just went straight to the men with the guns. It was surprisingly easy for them to be carted out of the building, and at first the remaining police were just helping those who were crying or, like Luke, panicking. Eventually, Luke managed to find it himself to get to his feet, he felt like an idiot for waiting so long even though it had barely been three minutes, time had  just seemed to be going a lot slower as he couldn’t move, as all he could do was stare at the slowly bleeding body of Michael.  _

 

_ “Somebody help me!” He yelled, dropping down to his knees beside his best friend. “Please!”  _

 

Luke didn’t go inside for the rest of the ceremony, but he did go over to the grave when they were lowering the casket. He felt his eyes on the wooden box the whole time. How was it that Michael could just be inside there? He was so close. He wished he could see him just one more time. Not knocked out in a hospital room, a bloody wound in his chest, eyes closed against his ghostly pale skin. He wished he could see him smile one more time. He wished that at least once, he had been able to look at the beautiful boy who he loved so much and introduce him by saying,  _ “This is my boyfriend.” _

 

So many opportunities lost. Michael was getting better, he  _ was  _ better. He probably would have allowed Luke to love him eventually.

 

Luke was crying. Loud, noisy, disgusting crying. He put a handful of dirt on top of the coffin and then once Michael was buried underground for good, he stayed there. Everybody else had gone, but Luke stayed. Kneeling on the ground. 

 

_ “Be safe. I’ll keep you safe.”  _

 

Those were the last words Michael had ever spoken to him. He wanted Michael to be here now, keeping him safe. But Luke should have also been keeping Mikey safe… he could have saved him from dying. If he had just got over there the moment it happened, he could have stopped the flow of the blood or  _ something _ . He wondered if before Michael passed out from the blood loss, if he was lying there with eyes half open, looking around for the familiar face of Luke to come into view. If he was just waiting for somebody to be there with him keeping him safe. If he wanted Luke to kiss him, because for once, Michael really really wanted to live. 

 

Luke would probably never play guitar again, because the only person he wanted to teach him wasn’t even here anymore. He would also never be able to step foot into a cinema again, he would never be able to forgive those evil  _ monsters _ who had for some unknown reason decided to take the life of the most kindest, most selfless soul Luke would ever know. He cried and cried and cried until the moon was high up in the sky. 

  
“I’m safe.” He said at last, when no more sobs would come and tears were dried to his face like stains. “You kept me safe.” 


End file.
